Retirement

Bea Arthur died. She was best known as her character Dorothy that she played on the Golden Girls. Her tribute today was awe inspiring. She made a statement today that I thought was very profound. She said, "Actors don't retire. Retire is what people do, who don't like their jobs." How succinct! She was still performing at 86 and loving every minute of it. To find something that you love and get paid doing it is the best blessing in the world. Can you imagine making a salary to do something that you are passionate about doing? Imagine working everyday at something that you would do for free. Utopia! When you love what you do, you are happier and the world just seems sweeter. Life's little problems don't seem to bother you as much. You can find a reason to be grateful everyday when you love what you do. You don't waste energy lying about reasons why you can't go to work and while at work, you truly do your best. Find something that you love and just do it. Against all odds, find your passion and immerse yourself into it! You'll be thankful that you did!

Gratitute

I must retrain my thinking patterns. I tend to dwell on that which is counter-productive to my existence. Gratefulness is a skill that I must develop. I have lived as a compulsive complainer and wasted far too much energy in that zone. I must learn to appreciate all that life has to offer; as well as all that my life has become. I made every choice that led me to where I am today. I must be thankful for the ability to think for myself and act accordingly. I must stop thinking about what could've or should've been. I must start living in the present and making choices that will take me where I want to go. No more basking in regret. I am a unique specimen and only I can live my life. I am special with talents, skill sets and thoughts that are only mine. I must remember that no one can take control over my life without my consent. I give myself permission to live and grow. I must learn to be grateful every minute of the day. Thank you for my life and for my ability to live it. Thank you for my children and my friends. Thank you for my family who have stood by me, even when they didn't want to. Thank you for every path that I have chosen to take. Thank you for allowing me to just be me.

You have the right...

Bravo, Miss California! Now, I'm not an avid pageant fan, but this latest news item has brought me into a debate that normally wouldn't concern me. Miss California was asked by a gay judge if she thought that same sex marriage should be ratified by the states. Her response was basically that she believed that marriage was between a man and a woman. She stated that she was raised to believe that and that she wasn't trying to offend anyone. Well, needless to say the gay judge took offense and decided to call her names (like a child) on his blog. Now, when did it go out of fashion to have your own opinion? When did we decide as a country that we all had to agree on everything and if you went against someone you were insensitive. This man went on to say that she didn't inspire or unite, and that was his issue with her(not that she didn't support gay marriage). We all know that is a lie. It seems that many individuals who are celebrating their 15 minutes of fame, set themselves up as judge and jury over everyone else's life. If you disagree, you are wrong. I think her desire to stick to her morals and state the truth is more inspirational that just going along to get along. This a wonderful opportunity for those to unite who are sick of certain segments of society dictating to the masses how to think and feel. Thank you for standing up and not being afraid to be true to yourself, Miss California! This blogger's tirade about you, just speaks volumes about his maturity (or lack thereof) level. What qualifies a gay man, who couldn't pass a beauty contest in his dreams to judge the Miss America contest? His only claim to fame is that he is gay and he can have tantrums on a computer. You must stand for something or you will fall for anything. Thank you for not letting this gay man, derail you or intimidate you. You are a class act and I applaud your honesty, especially in this world where the superficial reign right now. Hold fast to yourself and keep you head held high, like the winner that you are!

Childhood

My father retold one of my childhood memories to my sons the other day. I had forgotten most of it, but I do remember the parts that matter. When I was 5 years old, my dad took me to the Academy of Music to see the play Purlie. My father had the album and played that soundtrack constantly. My favorite song was, "I Got Love." The play starred Cleavon Little as Purlie and Melba Moore was cast as Peggy Jo. This was my first play and I guess no one taught me the "audience play rules" as you will soon see. I remember sitting in the theater and being mesmerized by Melba Moore's character. I don't think that I really understood that it wasn't "real." I remember her pig tails and her booming voice. Well, the scene came in which she sang, "I Got Love." As Melba Moore began to sing, my father says that I stood up in the audience and in my biggest voice sang the song with her. Needless to say, my dad tried to make me stop, but he said that the audience told him to leave me alone. I sang every word of the song right along with Melba Moore and the audience applauded me as well. After the play, my father and I were invited to come back stage and meet the cast. My dad says that Melba Moore and the rest of the cast were so taken by my performance that they asked me several questions. The wanted to know hold old I was, how I learned the song and how I learned to sing. Wow! A star was born! My dad said that in my innocence that I blurted out, "Dad, she's got on a wig." I also invited Ms. Moore to Thanksgiving dinner. My dad always adds sarcastically how my mom would have been thrilled if he brought home Melba Moore to dinner. My sons got such a kick out of this story. I don't remember all of the details, but I do remember some of my feelings on that day. I never found out why my dad only took me to the play and I guess it doesn't matter. When I think about that little girl today, I cry. Gone is her innocence and fearlessness. She no longer exists as that perfect ball of dreams and ambitions. Gone is her ability to just exist shameless and excited about life. Her living thrilled to just exist and loving everything and everybody was killed off long ago. She has become jaded and stifled. She has missed more opportunities that she can count, because of her insecurities and fears of success. She counts herself short and constantly second guesses everything about her life. The path that she chose to take in life is not the path that that little girl deserved. I miss her so much and I pray that she knows just how sorry that I am about all of the bad choices that I made with her life.

Reality Check

I just had a conversation with one of those toxic people in my life that I haven't quite let go. Although the conversations with this man are never productive or even entertaining, I occasionally tolerate his rants about nonsense that don't matter in the large scheme of things anyway. Well, today I was slapped with a major reality check. Much of my adult life I have spent trying to help and/or fix this gentleman, who is a screw up by everyone's definition and yet this loser described me as trifling. He made some very disparaging comments about all of the homes in which I have lived. (Amazing to me, because he hasn't been in all of my previous residences. Why, you ask? Because he has spent a good majority of his life incarcerated, but I'm the trifling one) Well, those words hit me like a sledgehammer, not so much because I'm concerned with what he thinks about me; but because I have spent way too much of my energy supporting and taking care of him. How crazy I have been. This million times over loser had the nerve to trash not only my household cleanliness, but my parenting skills as well. Now, this is a person who hasn't spent 1,000.00 over the past 15 years on his two sons, yet I'm the bad parent. And of course, his reasoning is because his wife wants to do everything her way. He states, erroneously so, that his wife has kept his sons from him. So not only is he not responsible for being a deadbeat, in his mind he is the victim. Wow, all of the years that I have wasted trying to help this individual who has failed at everything that was placed in his lap to pursue; and he has the audacity to stand in judgement over me. This man at 45 owns nothing and has only been able to move into rooms on his own. Women have supported and taken care of him, his entire adult life. You'd think that someone like this would be grateful for the help that he has been blessed with over the years. But no, today showed me that not only doesn't he appreciate my help, he has no respect for me at all. I've been a pawn in his game of life. What a fool that I have been. But I am eternally grateful for this reality check today. How dare I waste my energy trying to raise some other woman's wayward child, while I have two sons of my own to raise. Thank you God, for opening my eyes to the vicious cycle of futility that I have been treading on all of these years. I can't express in words my gratitude. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I never felt comfortable in this person's life. My esteem, my waistline and my life goals have all suffered because of my poor choice to keep this toxic person in my life. I must release my need to be needed and go on with attainable goals, if I am to succeed in this life. No more can I afford to give more of myself to undesirables than I give to myself. Selfishness gets a bad rap when it comes to Black women. We have been conned into thinking that there is nobility in denying yourself happiness, while you enhance everyone's life around you. How sick is that. No other group has that burden as the Black mother. She is everyone's mule. We must do what is best for ourselves in order to do what is best for our families. Happiness by choice is a right, not a privilege for a select few. Put yourself on top of your priority list and everything else will fall in line.

Self-introspection

I had to learn a hard lesson the other day. I had to take inventory of what was actually happening in my household and I didn't like what I was seeing. It is rough to admit to yourself that you aren't the superperson that you sometimes con yourself into thinking that you are. I've had to make some hard choices and change some things in my house that weren't working. I have had to read more and be consistent with turning off the television. I've had to follow through with consequences even when it is inconvenient for me. My boys and I are always together and sometimes punishing them is tantamount to punishing myself. I'll admit it, I have become lackadaisical in some of my parenting techniques. I'm not proud of it, but in order for my sons to change their behavior, I must change mine. I have to do what is hard all of the time, not just some of the time. It wasn't about trying to be their friend, but it was more of a function of time constraints and just plain tiredness. It is hard being a single parent. My soon to be ex-husband has never been an active parent in our children's lives, so this parenting thing has always been on my shoulders. For the first few years, it was easy, but now as I get older and more weary, it gets to be a burden at times. I never get a break. I wish young girls could just live in my shoes for one day. It would be the best birth control ever. We must teach our young to stop procreating, not only before they are ready, but also with the wrong person. Your life will forever be changed, and many times not for the better. It is very easy to view life's blessings as curses if you aren't ready for the responsibility of parenting. Don't misread this, I love my children, but there are many times that I know that they deserve better. And many times, I can't give them the better that they deserve. It isn't fair to the child to bring them into a situation that you aren't ready to handle. It just makes what should be a great time in your life, very difficult.

On the road to greatness!

Can you imagine being only 24 years old and having a billion dollar goal? Well, Labron James at the tender age of 24 wants to be the first billion dollar sports brand. Asked what you get when you buy into his brand...his answer simply was, "You get me!" Wow, how fascinating to be so confident in yourself and so young at the same time. Against all odds he fired his professional public relations people and hired his buddies. Why did he do that with the entire NBA world thinking that he was crazy? "Because I know and trust these guys", stated Labron. He describes his strongest asset as "the way I approach the game mentally....I think team first. It allows me to succeed, it allows my team to succeed. Because I'm always thinking about how can I help my teammates become better." Powerful words from a young man raised by a single teenage mom. She would have to send him to live with friends occasionally, because she didn't have any place for him to stay. He never got into trouble, because this young single mom, didn't give him the option of failure. Although, at times, she didn't have a home for this boy, she knew to instill in him standards of greatness. She also, with help from his basketball talent, kept him in private schools. So, if a women who is only 16 years older than her son can instill in him a sense of pride and expectations of excellence, why can't you? Why can't I? We must be doing something wrong. We must rethink our power in our children's lives and stay consistent. No one else should have more power over our children's lives then we should. Not society or the media or anyone. We must understand that our children get their inner strength from us. Our children do what we allow! Stop allowing failures to exist in your home, stop being a failure yourself. Don't be afraid to take risks and go against the crowd, just like this young man has done. I'll end this blog entry with Labron's own words. "You can't be afraid to fail. It's the only way you succeed. You're not going to succeed all the time and I know that. You have to accept failure to get better!"

Generational curses

Steve Wynn is the man credited for making Las Vegas the gambling capital of the world. He has made a fortune turning "sin city" into the adult playground that it is known as today. He is a man that makes money from the gambling industry, but doesn't gamble himself. He gets his kicks from creating the great resorts and watching them flourish. Steve Wynn's dad was a compulsive gambler, that left his family in debt when he died. Did you hear that Mr. Las Vegas, the gambling capital king's dad was a compulsive gambler? Do you have to live out the legacy of your parents? No, you don't. Your life is yours to live. You must get past the stories that you hear, the insults that you may experience and the fears that you have given yourself about your family history. You make your own choices in life, you are not destined to live out your father's failings. You can become anything that you want to become. Even if you have heard all of your life, that you are just like whomever; no one's opinion of you has to become your reality. Shake yourself loose and take responsibility for your own life.

Expectations

Coach Bob Hurley, St Anthony's High School basketball coach, only makes 9,000.00 a year in salary, but what he produces in productive citizens is priceless! I love his quote, "Parents let children be mediocre. Teachers let children be average. I'm holding them to the highest standard that I can." Therein is the difference between a great school and a poor school - the expectations of the students. If you create an atmosphere of excellence and articulate those expectations to your students, then you will create successes. It's not rocket science people! It's the same in your household, if you are more concerned with being your child's friend verses parenting them to greatness; then you will have a spoiled brat that not only doesn't respect your authority, but no one else's authority either. Children will have many friends throughout their lives, but only one set of parents. If a child could raise itself, the parent wouldn't be necessary. So stand up and be the parent that raises great children! Raise your expectations for them and they will meet you where you want them to go! It won't be easy, but what in life is easy? Only the shady and the illegal is easy, the great ones work hard to get where they want to go. Give yourself small goals and recognize your hypocrisy, because your children will. Forgive yourself for your failings and be honest with your kids. You've made mistakes, it's now your job to make sure that your children are so equipped that they make the best choices in their lives, that will yield the best benefits in their living!

Back in Town

I just spent a couple days in Atlantic City with my children. It was a needed and well-deserved respite. I treated my boys to a massage and many go-kart rides. We enjoyed the pool at the Taj Mahal and had some great meals. My boys needed to get away from the hustle and bustle to see that there are people who are living well. I try to show them that they can work to achieve greatness, by providing alternative views of different lives. Just as our children need motivation to stay on the track, so do adults. Give yourself a break and just live your life. Stop worrying about the what if and just do it. You deserve all the abundance that life has to offer, you just have to be willing to do the work. If you need to get away to motivate yourself, than do it. I am glad that I could get out of the house for a minute and just have fun. I won some money and bought some treats from the boardwalk. Life is about choices, so do your best to make good ones. Learn from the not so good ones and pass on the lesson to those that have been placed in your care.

Metamorphosis

I just saw Steve Harvey on Nightline. I was intrigued by the interview because they weren't focused on Steve Harvey the comedian, but Steve Harvey the relationship expert. He has written a book, which is selling quite well, describing what women should know about men. He has transformed his strawberry letter segment of his morning radio show into a marketer's dream. He has somehow changed from funny man to talk show host to relationship guru. You go, Steve, bravo! Now if Steve can make such sweeping changes while increasing his bottom line, then why can't I. Steve Harvey writing a relationship book is the utmost in hypocrisy. He cheated on his second wife with his third wife; and conned his second wife out of much of his fortune (which she helped him build). (Click on the word metamorphosis to see the second Mrs. Harvey's complaint) I can't be mad at him, because that seems to be the American way. Why should I sit here with less than I deserve while con men get all the riches. There is no reason why I can't change from my limiting circumstances to greatness as well. I have many unused skill sets that any radio station would be blessed to have. I have accomplished many things in my life and I need to start putting things in motion to move myself upward and onward. I must think about my next move, write down my goals and just do it. If Steve can do it, then I know that I can, too. I can move mountains if I am so willing. I must strip myself of the need to just exist and start to live abundantly! Greatness is my destiny.

Self-sabotage

I have spent most of my life blocking my success through a series of choices that were counter to my improvement. I've only realized this self-characterization in hindsight and still don't quite understand why. I can recall many opportunities that were placed at my feet that I either didn't finish or didn't try. I have spent a good portion of my adult living in regret. Second-guessing every decision and wondering why I choose to flee from every good chance that I had. I tend to stick by that which is worse for me than that which is good. I need to realize that many things in life that I profess to love aren't good for my welfare (ergo, desserts) So, I must realize that making great choices hasn't been my strong suit and I must rethink my strategies for life and for love. I must be a better example for my children, so that I won't pass on this legacy of self-destruction to them. I must live an example of greatness, if that is what I want to see in them.

A new outlook

Greetings:

My desire is to change my circumstances from where they are today to where they could be tomorrow. Helen Keller once said that she had no time in her life for discouragement or self-pity. If a woman born both death and blind has no time to waste on discouragement or self-pity, then why do I spend so much time bathing in that stream of insignifigance? No more, I will start from this day forward spending more of my time seeing the glass as half full versus half empty. Can you imagine what a wonderful life you can have if you live all of your waking moments in celebratory mode? An attitude of gratitude will place you on a road of success and happiness. Won't you join me in this new found place of peace?

Sisters, it is okay not to have babies

I just left a restaurant and watched these two young women struggle with their children. The two has seven between the two of them and they were all younger than 5 years old. Not a dad in sight and boy was it painful to watch. There was food all over the floor and you constantly heard, "Stop that, put that back, get over hear, etc." Now, why in the world these women decided to have so many children before they were ready is beyond me. But we now must take a stand and tell these young girls, "Stop having so many babies!" You must learn that having a child to replace something missing in your life is beyond selfish. A healthy child needs two parents (at least two) in order to raise it. No one person has ever raised a child. As a single parent, you will need to lean on people constantly. And yes, even couples have to lean on their families, but not as much as a single parent. Having children prior to being ready financially, will guarantee that you will live in poverty. No one is going to come to your rescue and no one should. You will find yourself very needy and that may set you up to lower your standards when searching for a mate. You will set yourself up to fail and you won't be able to live your life to the fullest; especially if the child came when you were too young to become a parent. Take time to live life, go to college and find out what else there is in life for you to become. You will never know what your potential to be in life is if you have to raise a child prior to being able to be a steady and sane parent. Take time to get to know yourself, if you are missing something in life, then seek help in church, a mosque, therapy, a support group or whatever. It is not fair for you to seek out being a single parent and the child will eventually suffer. Now, yes, you can point out examples of warped children from two parent families and sane children from single parent households; but why take the chance? You deserve the opportunity to become the best you that you can be and you can't do that while raising a child before you have grown up yourself.